School Crushes It’s normal for ’tweens to have harmless infatuations. But for adoptees, unrequited affection can be hard to handle.
by Marybeth Lambe, M.D.  Your fifth-grade daughter suddenly begins sighing about a schoolmate she sees on the bus—a boy who doesn’t know she exists. Your sixth-grade son blushes whenever he sees a certain girl. When did your child turn into a preoccupied, love-struck ’tween?
Both boys and girls have crushes—it’s a healthy, innocuous way to explore their budding sexuality. Experts believe that crushes, which occur between the ages of nine and 12 (or even younger), are rehearsals for later in life—a chance to begin imagining relationships and to initiate grownup interactions.
As parents, we sometimes overreact to this innocent phenomenon, responding with comments such as “Oh, come on. You’re only 11!” But such remarks can seem like ridicule, and they damage communication between you and your child. It’s vital to have open discussions during the preteen years, and mocking your child’s crushes only teaches him to keep information to himself.
A ’Tween’s Self-Esteem
The biggest concerns of nine- to 12-year-olds are “Am I normal?” and “Am I lovable?” Children who have joined their families through adoption worry about these questions even more than others do. They feel that their identity is uncertain—particularly true of kids who have been adopted transracially or transculturally. Self-esteem can falter as the child revisits old worries that she was placed for adoption because she was undesirable, a burden, or unloved. Despite her desire to fit in with friends, a child may convince herself that adoption always sets her apart.
Most kids can handle the trauma of unrequited love when a crush does not return their affection. But some adopted children believe this is further proof that they are unlovable or rejected.
Preteens worry about how much of their adoption history they should share with friends or with an object of their affection. Many are convinced that being adopted is like walking around with a flashing neon light that proclaims, “I am different!” While it may be difficult to talk to your ’tween about these issues, you must be open to discussions and to sharing emotions and experiences from your own past. In doing so, you can help guide your ’tween through this normal stage of crushes and infatuations.
Adoptive mom Marybeth Lambe, M.D., lives with her family in Washington State. All nine of her children have experienced the perils and pleasures of school crushes.
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